Monday, March 20, 2017

Plan A

I'm a planner. I like having a game plan ahead of time. I want to know about how things are going to happen and when they are going to happen. With that being said when you are pregnant, things don't always go by a plan. For instance, what you are going to eat doesn't always work out.

I got pregnant about 3 months after moving out of my ex's. It was not my ex's. The guy had a girlfriend actually, who happened to not be me. That wasn't part of any plans I had for myself at the age of 19.  I told my ex, and he wanted to be there for me no matter what I decided. Getting back together with my ex, pregnant with someone else's child? Yeah, not part of the plan.

For months and months, we bought things to prepare for a baby. My birthday consisted of diapers and onesies, baby shampoos and lotions. I would sit in the bathtub singing "You are My Sunshine" to the little life growing inside me and feeling her kicks with delight. My boyfriend bought a house and we painted the bedrooms colors I picked out. I started planning her nursery, yellow and grey and buying decorations and making decorations. We could do this.

That was Plan A. There was no doubt in my mind, that I couldn't do this.
Except, there was an idea that there was something better for her.
I would shush, the thought whenever it squirmed its way into my thoughts. I would reassure myself I was doing the right thing. Let me clarify abortion was never an option for me. The father suggested it out of fear and anxiety. I immediately shut him down. There was no way that was happening. No matter how much I tried to prepare for this baby, it didn't truly feel right.

As my tummy grew bigger, so did my fears and anxiety. I couldn't let this baby girl go without. Better yet, I didn't want her to watch me struggle to provide for her. I didn't want her to watch me and her father argue and fight over her. So, Plan B I decided to go the route of adoption.


The Day My Life was Forever Changed



  I woke up and drove to work like any other morning. However, when I arrived the smell of chicken cooking made instantly nauseous and scramble to the bathroom. Since when did that make someone sick to their stomach? Wait, wait, wait. That was out of the ordinary. I already was late, and had thought it was due to my new anxiety medicine. That was one of the side effects. 
      I asked my coworker to buy a pregnancy test for me. The quickest 5 seconds of my life were after peeling on the stick those two lines showed up instantly. Dumbfounded, and overwhelmed by shock I slumped to the floor. I didn't cry. I didn't feel angry. I mean obviously wasn't like instantly excited here. I was wondering what in the world was I going to do. Well, now I was wondering what in the world were we going to do. 
      My coworker walked in "Are you okay honey? What did it say?" she asked.
I sat up exhaled, and said "yeah we will be okay." She hugged me and said she would help ,me anyway she could. 
     We bought a second test. Positive
     Another friend brought me a third test. Positive.
     I mean at this point we were positive, that it was positive. 
     That night I sat in the father's car. He cried. He had a girlfriend. He was worried about her. What would he say? What would she say? 
     He suggested an abortion. I explained, I didn't believe in abortions for myself. That I would never judge anyone else who had to make a tough decision. However, that wasn't even an option to me. He said the thing I've heard before about how it's not a baby yet. I understood he was just scared. He was younger than me even. It's not like this was my first choice, knocked up at 19. 
   The next day I told my ex. He wanted to be there for me, strangely. God knew exactly what he was doing, when he did this. He later would connect me to someone who would know her potential parents. This moment however, I was raising this baby however I had to. God put a good support system in my life for the road I was about to travel down, was going to be a long bumpy one.
   I was going to be a mommy. This wasn't going to be easy. I knew that. But it was going to be alright. Suddenly, I had a reason to be a better person. I had a reason to quit smoking.
I had a reason to better myself. I had a reason to get up out of bed when I didn't want to move.
God knew what he was doing in my life.